Experiences

After pilgrimage and retreat on  Samsoe in July 2005

*Dearest Bruhn and Cecil*

What a LIFE!!!!!!! It is unfolding more and more. I am so touched by the constant flow of beautiful experiences that I am being blessed with; A beautiful, glittering stream of…creation???? (images, people, visions, insights, art, personalities, words, stillness, paradoxes etc.)…through me. It goes on and on. Now. Now. Now. I don’t even have the words or talents to describe all the things I experienced on the retreat and after. And then again words have surfaced during the passing week. Have been privileged to spend the last 4 days with people who really support and enhance the divine in the heart. I value that so, so much. The mirrors I meet are more and more divinely shaped, naturally and matter-of-factly but also strangely. The state of “gratefulness” feels very palpable and present all the time.

Just sitting here writing to you … the energy is flowing out of the hands, the heart is buzzing and the head is like cotton :D All that Love wanting so much to come out of my hands this last month, I have noticed. It feels like India and A+B are calling my number very intensely. The Energy/process has never felt this physical and present beyond any doubt before, working 24/7 in my bodies. (pretty cool experience for the mind too;) The dreams coming to me in the nights are equally fantastic. Among other stuff I dreamt that I died. (the death-theme is EVERYWHERE around me right now) It is so packed with symbols that it is almost too much, ha ha, so I’ll share it with you just for fun:

We are a group of people, approximately 15-20, who are gathered some place in nature, where we are told that we are participating in a “game”. We are told that it’s about dying one by one and as we die, we are to help killing the ones still alive. In the beginning we are all a bit lost and can’t really take the game seriously. But as people start dying and time passes a little community is created (a little Robinson-like). Lots of feelings surface: angst, fear, survival mechanisms, resistance, fighting. I am one of the last ones left alive and we are in a vast prairie/hilly area. When you die you are represented by a glass of glittering fluid in a particular colour, which is put into some sort of rainbow. We all have our special place in the rainbow and a preset time of death. Some die extremely violently and traumatic (murder, rape, beaten to death etc.) and the living can talk to “the idea of the dead” (the dead egos I think), which are all telling stories from the perspective of the mind. We all believe them and become even more scared of death. But at one point a woman is trying to convince me that death is the most violent and horrible thing in the world. But I know this is not true, because I have watched some of the others die quietly, peacefully and alone… and then I realise that it is absurd to believe other people’s stories because they can only be true for that one person. My time is up (my number is simply called! Ha ha) and I see that I am represented by a plastic champagne glass with indigo colour in it. And my pride is mega hurt because the glass is made of plastic!! It should have been crystal. At least! Even in the dream I can’t help but laugh a little at the hurt pride :D

I walk around saying goodbye and experience the feelings it arouses. Cecil is suddenly there and I tell her that only now do I realise that I have to die. She is beautiful and loving as always and I ask her how I should behave towards death: Should I resist it or just give up or what… with an amused look she tells me “what an excellent question, we will definitely address that on the next retreat”! (HA HA) Death comes in the form of an old girlfriend and an older unknown man, who have been sent to kill me. I decide to resist a little and I even feel a bit athletic when I run towards them to meet them in a capoiera-like-fight-dance. Grabbing them by the hair knocking them off their feet. They play along and let me feel on top for a little while. There is an enormous respect towards me and they are not hurting me, just like I am not hurting them for real. In the end I am tired and allow them to carry out what they came for. Then I wake up.

Since then every person I have bumped into has spontaneously started talking about death, or have been involved in deadly accidents, or someone close is dying…well ok, the mind is having a hey-day analysing and interpreting and taking credit and bla, bla, bla, but the heart KNOWS the that mind can do as it pleases. I pop when I pop. But the heat is on!!     

Back to the retreat. Back to Samsoe. To seven fantastic days. WOW. LOVED IT!!!! The only thought in my mind when I came was: I wonder what surprises I will be showered with this time? The surprise perspective is opening up for me like Aladdin’s cave. To wake up to see what gifts the day brings and fall asleep to the sweetness of the nightly adventures…aahh, such wealth has no equals! (I experience this as a 180-degree turn around from my usual perspective). Well, the retreat immediately took a concrete turn towards feminine/masculine, yin/yang and the whole principle of polarities in general and sort of unfolded from there. So many beautiful insights and experiences of the inner im/balances and patterns. It really was raining with gifts! To be allowed to EXPERIENCE it and to be conscious about it in the moments it unfolds. To live in it and with it – enjoy what can be enjoyed, and suffer what must be suffered – and at the same time be free to walk other paths than usual…to play out the story but recognise and choose the heart in all of it…without judgement or aversion of the issue+manifestation…I am speechless! There’s dynamite in the wall! Again the absence of compromise in the heart is help beyond description. 

And to observe the other participant’s beautiful uniqueness and recognise oneself in them: Like talking to different aspects of oneself, just with the principle of surprise ever present. Priceless.

To experience how my usual ways of experiencing/interpreting situations become transparent and void. Very concretely things I have identified with my whole life, for example “I am a B-person” or “I am introvert and reserved” are just not true…can see all behaviour as personalities, changing from one minute to the next. Am rendered completely speechless by the fact that I identify so much with ideas/concepts/states that are only true sometimes. How fascinating! Really! But I don’t really know what I am identifying with right now. The witness perhaps? Peace be with it. But what a process, couldn’t have made a better design myself!

Some experiences have popped up during the week wanting to be expressed. Most of them are from the pilgrimage and some from Pillemark. About sharing on the Internet, I am a little lost. Thinking there is too much text, but you are welcome to take bits and pieces if you find it relevant – just check with me first.

The forest (root chakra)

A deep love flows from the tree to me and from me to the tree. Hands caressing the trunk, the forehead kissed by the trunk. Completely simple and beautiful. It is hard to put the experiences from the forest into words, they are of such basic character, almost pre-verbal…there is a subtle yet thundering heart beat through the body, the trees, the earth, the heart. Through Cecil, through Bruhn. Through the heart and the hands. Through the top of the head and down into the ground again. No words.

The beach (hara chakra)

The belly full of lunch, playing and swimming. Sitting on a stone beach with a latent desire rolling in the body and a smouldering joy from the sensitivity awakened by this wonderful, beautiful world…nature, the sea, the earth, the flowers, the women, the men, that dance. Everything in between. No irritation or fatigue. No judgement of the personalities, who have been dancing all day or of the games being played with the others. Feeling the woman as a state in me. As pleasure, sensitivity itself. Sweat running down the body, which is restless form sitting on a rock; it wants to move! It wants to play, to unite with the Beloved.

It is my turn to receive a deeksha; at first there is the sensation of hands on the head, then the feeling of the entire sky pouring in. The top of the head has ceased to exist and there is only the pale blue sky filling me. There is only that. There is a feeling of nothingness, complete emptiness, just space. The mind worries but fades into the nothingness and there is only that light lavender blue colour. No insights. No visions or voices or images…just sky. I lie down and observe the word ”mind-blowing” floating by and hear myself laugh.

The Animal (a hill looking like a dragon) (solar plexus chakra)

It’s hot; we have been walking for a long time. Have talked myself introvert. Feels like I am walking in a desert. Very strong “I” feeling. I need some water!, I need some food, shade, rest! I want a deeksha! The mind is at its best until we reach the foot of the Animal (hill) On the way up I suddenly take on the role of protector for the body. Sincerely loving it and caring for its needs. I make sure to keep a slow pace and to find shade when we reach the top. Drink some water, eating a little ad laying the body down to recharge. “I” am handling “the body”, making decisions for it, “driving the car” so to speak. As soon as I lie down I am sucked very powerfully to the ground, like enhanced gravity at play and I am unable to move, which suits me just fine. I am thinking, “ok, now I’m plugged in”. We rest like that for a while and I feel the energy coming back to the body. We receive healing and I observe the different bodily sensations; the pressure on the stomach, tensions in the body. But no real emotional reactions arise, and I haven’t experienced that before.

It strikes me that I am behaving differently from how I would normally do in physical situations (the pilgrimage). Normally I would push the body beyond what feels comfortable for it and only realise it when it is already too late. Mainly because what I think I should be able to handle and what is “cool” does not correspond with the reality of the body. But on the Animal I had no such considerations. I had a secret agreement with the Universe: I take care of what I am able to take care of. You take care of the rest.

Stavns fiord (heart chakra)

We are walking through this incredibly beautiful landscape. The path we walk on is deeply marked and rise above the fields like a blood vessel on a hand. There is a deep peace and quiet joy in me: I feel The Mother very strongly. She smiles at me in all the flowers. The tall grass is Her hair, caressing my legs. I am gently stroking it with my hands and feel Her ecstasy. The insects biting me are just another form of Her love. As we are walking now I feel like a small part of Her wholeness and I see all our hearts like golden pearls on a string. Our connectedness making a larger heart. Like small waves inside a larger wave inside a larger wave…that image comes back again and again: The giant everything inside the detail. No real difference. And the deer in the sea…to see and feel all the other hearts being touched by it touches me more than the actual deer in the water. Somehow it seems very natural that it is right there at that point in time. We sit down to meditate and receive deeksha and the experience of One Heart continues. Lis experiences a flow of feelings, a roller coaster ride, and I know she is doing it for all of us. I do not know her personal interpretations of the feelings flowing through her, and I am not intended to know, but I experience the Heart experiencing the feelings…it is so precious to feel the connection between all the hearts. There is a feeling of dissolution and some kind of soft yielding flexibility in the whole body. The love in my chest is ENORMOUS and is followed by joy and freedom. I feel connected to people on the other side of the globe. The mind is completely declutched and the silence is ecstatic. For inexplicable reasons I take my cell phone (on mute) out of my pocket and observe that it is ringing at that very moment: It is my beloved soul sister from Australia and even though I do not answer I explode in love! With each step we take the gratefulness deepens. To get rid of the shoes and walk barefoot on the moor…ohhh!!! Completely orgasmic! To see the sea reveal itself behind the dunes…ohhh…

The beach (throat chakra)

The strangest dance took place on this beach.

It was the feet walking on the sand, which in turn carried the feet, softly and with such a natural security and support that there could be no doubt. There were images of us crawling like ants in a predetermined order and a feeling that everything is perfect. There was expansion and a consciousness of the elements: The sun on the blue, blue sky, transmitting an omnipotent power of life: an insight that the body is filled with this power, He moves and fills the air, which moves and fills the body…

And there was the ocean…the Ocean! So incredibly beautiful and infinite and She was my mother and She was me and I wasn’t sure who was bathing in who. ”I am the fucking ocean!!!” I heard myself scream in childish ecstasy with the echo of Deva Premal in the back of my head. No judgement. There was some screaming and quite a few sounds were made in the ocean. A very strong, physical warrioress personality arose, who wanted to howl like a wolf and wrestle the ocean, so she did. No jugement. She loved it. The body whirling round and round in the ecstasy of movement and then it discovered that if it jumped up and down, it could feel that same weightlessness as on a trampoline – had seen some children on a giant trampoline earlier that day and had wanted so much to jump with them…what gratitude for such a simple gift! Like reaching out and being touched…

Perceived everyone as children, like myself, like the ocean and just felt like shouting, “come to me! I receive you!”

Sand under the feet again and a space where rhythms, dance, song, sounds, flick-flack and physical expression arise and weave in and out of each other in one giant melody, which does not exist outside the sum of pieces. Very simply just arising…and then silently turning into a very simple rhythm of feet in sand. So, so quietly, everything else is muted. Just feet walking. The awareness shifts to the Ocean, can only hear the ocean. Same rhythm. A wind living with the blue-golden crispy sky and the glittering salty green of the sea. In everything. The body is empty – just a shell – and the wind blows right through it…no stomach, heart, throat…just vortexes of wind…joy, happiness, expression. Total freedom. Completion. Perfection.

Stony beach and hill (third eye chakra)

We walk on and the mind comes back again. I have blisters and walk barefoot. The beach becomes more and more stony. In the beginning it’s ok, but from one moment to the next I can’t stand it anymore and have to put my shoes on again. This turns out to be a choice between the plague and cholera with regards to pain.

Claus is carrying Sørens sandals, so I want to walk up to get them, but can’t seem to catch up with him. I silently pray that Claus stops to take a break – and viola, Claus is sitting in the sand until I reach him. I think it is pretty weird since I wasn’t even feeling very much in sync. Have a little headache and feel more and more spaced out. Don’t really feel like focusing on the sound of the ocean or do the finger exercise. Don’t want to exert myself, because it just leads to more fighting in my head. We arrive at the hill where we are doing the third eye chakra meditation and I just feel happy about sitting for a while with my eyes closed. Can’t be bothered visualising anything, and the mind is just not producing any images of my own or the world’s enlightenment…the mind says, “I have done that before and I don’t see the point of doing it again”. Just want to relax. Feeling the grass and the ants (am sitting on an ants hill!) relaxing more and more. I feel transported further and further away, or into the head really, between the stars in space. And then all the images come. Seeing how ”my enlightenment” is not MY enlightenment, but only a small part of human enlightenment and the Earth’s enlightenment. It is beautiful beyond description. I saw images that I don’t even know how to translate, because I don’t know what it is. We have no way of knowing how the world will be! I travel further into cosmos and see the Earth’s enlightenment as an infinitely small part of the solar system’s “alignment” with the galaxy’s alignment with other galaxies…I see how the planets are forming the most beautiful shining mandalas in this inter-galactic “alignment”…don’t really know how to explain it, but it was crystal clear to me that everything has it’s time, nothing can stop or come between the Ultimate Flow…and how small we are and how hopeless it is to try to force the process – and how the mind can never understand these connections or it’s own insignificant size. Then the bell rings and I am not at all ready to get up, it seems we just sat down. Feel very heavy, feeble and spacey. Lie down on the beach for a little while. Trying to eat something to ground myself, but it’s not really working. Realise how easily I get lost in my mind. A couple of firm hugs later I am ready to walk on, and I feel infinitely grateful for the human contact.

Issehoved (crown chakra)

The anticipation of this place has followed me since I first read about the pilgrimage: The powerful beauty and opening faculties were just what I needed right now, I thought. But even before we begin the climb the nausea starts. The body was dizzy and uncomfortable and feelings of anger and irritation were mixed with a feeling of just wanting to get it over with, so that we could go home. My head felt like it was going to explode and it was completely shut off from flow. Like some sort of cramp in the energy. Painful contractions. The mind was completely full and at the same time there was an entity observing everything, the surroundings, the beauty of the place etc. Felt a little insane with such a potent split in my perception of the world. Was sitting in the sun thinking it was all wrong. Everything was wrong; it wasn’t supposed to be like this! Discovered just how huge my expectations had been and how I hang all my concepts of perfection and all my longing after oneness/enlightenment on the crown chakra…the deeksha intensified the drama and I felt like finding the nearest garbage can and ask someone to throw me into it. When we at last walked towards the ocean, the only thing that kept me going was the prospect of getting into the water. It is like a magnet pulling me step by step. Felt tired, dirty, exhausted, vulnerable, small and couldn’t wait to let the frustration dissolve into the water. So I stumbled in and for a little while it was like bathing a wound in soap water; it cleanses and hurts when the coagulated blood is removed. But it feels nice and clean and new afterwards. Some receive deeksha in the water and I felt momentarily tempted, although I was beginning to get cold – just because I didn’t want to miss out. But when I looked again I felt that I had already received what I needed. It was like getting a clean slate and the walk to the parking lot could have been the start of day 3 on the pilgrimage for all I knew.  

Later, in a deeksha on Pillemark A+B take me back to Issehoved, showing me another movie where Bhagavan gives me deeksha and I float lightly down to the beach in a completely different state of joy. It touches me deeply and I thank them.

Fear deeksha (by the fire)

Was sitting with the seeds in my hand and felt the fear like a contraction in the stomach. Many well-known patterns surfaced, each of them with a physical reaction. Asked A+B to transfer the fear from solar plexus into the seeds and to let them come alive again in the fire, which would nurture the Universe. Felt how the seeds became heavier and heavier and hotter and hotter. Sat there boiling in discomfort. Asked The Mother to let me feel her presence and suddenly the many mosquitoes and insects crawling on me became symbols of The Mother’s love, a direct “I am here” statement. Very beautiful symbols I thought: that some things, which are so often brushed away with irritation or even killed out of fear of being bitten, transforme into presence when experienced from a different perspective…I saw that the fear, the self pity, the victim consciousness, the fake modesty, the excuses etc. is the ego’s way of distorting the truth, so that we do not dare to take responsibility, so that we do not dare to SEE it from a different perspective or to meet our inner divinity and our full potential. It was a relief to throw the seeds into the fire, they seemed meaninglessly heavy and for once I didn’t feel any sentimental attachment to them; just into the fire. I thanked and instantly felt en enormous surge of energy in the stomach when joy was flowing through the body again, like going up in an ultra fast elevator.

Last deeksha

A personal tristesse, which has been lurking all day come into full bloom and mixes with an enormous personal tristesse from the group. Can feel the longing, the unfulfilled expectations, pain mixed with heart openings, trust in life, hope…it is unimportant who’s pain it is and who’s heart is open; there are no owners of anything. It is so beautiful to experience all of this at the same time. And it feels fantastic to lie down in the garden, sobbing with the entire body. And to enter the kitchen and continue sobbing. And to meet Cecil in the hallway and continue sobbing. And to sit in the circle and cry again. For the first time I don’t feel I’m playing a game of “I am crying now” or that there is a drama in it – there is crying and it is all beautiful. Like the song I mentioned: Strange/ Beautiful.

Home again

Experience my closest relationships behaving differently than usual, even outside the typical patterns – or perhaps it is just me not seeing through the usual “she/he is like this or that” glasses in those moments…enriching for everyone I’m sure.

Am no longer capable of judging the personalities and ensuing games that flow through me. Really amazing, when I think about it…but I experience it as a very nice light feeling, not as something epic or break through like…but really liberating in the absence of conflict.

Well, yes, gravity feels different. Just like there is a vertical gravity, it feels like there is a central gravity in the heart, keeping the body centred…aaarrrh it doesn’t make sense to try to describe it, I am just so fascinated by all these fantastic and wonderful things happening in me that it flow over in words. And I know that you can take it – even though it is a f****** long one!!! – and see it for what it is ;D

Thank you for you. Really. Deeply thanks.

Hugkiss

Mea

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